Conversations with Rev. Timothy Claude Dodgeson, born in Jasper County, South Carolina on September 2, 1912, recorded April 1 – 21, 2008 at Azalea Cottage, the Cottages at Brushy Creek, Greer, South Carolina. Recorded with a Sony ICD-P520 Digital Voice Recorder (256 MB), transcribed by the interviewer and transferred to CD, available on request at wylie.tom@gmail.com. Rev. Dodgeson was a reverend and high school history teacher in the piedmont area of South Carolina from 1934 to 1977.
I would have gladly been a reverend or minister or even a priest without anything before my name except mister but the job and the public want to know, “Is that man a man of God?” and somehow a little something before the name convinces them that if your title says you’re a man of God then you must be. I never believed it myself, not in the whole concept of man of God and I never got into the ministry because I thought of myself as being especially close to God or anything like that. I got into it because I guess like a lot of other people who go into politics or charity work and who see how the people in those jobs are so bad at what they do that I thought, “I can do better than that.” I always was a good speaker, like my mother was a good speaker, and I liked a good story and had passing social skills. That was about all I needed to be a reverend and if some people thought I was a good one it was more because I could tell a story and not just about the Bible, but about most anything. If you can get people to listen to you then you can have an impact on them and you can even make them angry with you as long as they still want to listen to you. And they will come back for more even if it is so they can be angry. Maybe especially for that for some. I’m like that with the Bible, even. For me the Bible itself was always like that. Even now I can’t read more than a page without having to put the book down and not because it’s so deep that I have to come up for air, but because it makes me so angry. But I still want to read it and I do read it. Have you seen the Bible in big print? It should be something you can’t take out of the reading room. But, no. I never believed in anything I had to say from the front of the church like the congregation did, but I knew I could stand up there and talk about things that mattered and tell stories and do that job better than most, and I think I was right. Some would say I was a hypocrite and they might be right but I never said I was holier man than anyone or even a better one. I was just a better preacher than anyone I knew could have been.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Conversations with the Reverend 1
Conversations with Rev. Timothy Claude Dodgeson, born in Jasper County, South Carolina on September 2, 1912, recorded April 1 – 21, 2008 at Azalea Cottage, the Cottages at Brushy Creek, Greer, South Carolina. Recorded with a Sony ICD-P520 Digital Voice Recorder (256 MB), transcribed by the interviewer and transferred to CD, available on request at wylie.tom@gmail.com. Rev. Dodgeson was a reverend and high school history teacher in the piedmont area of South Carolina from 1934 to 1977.
There is only one thing that you need to know about the presidents of this country and that is all of them. You need to know all of them if what you want is to impress people and make them think you know more history than maybe you do and you don’t need to know much more than their names, though if don’t know that Washington was a general and that Lincoln freed the slaves then the rest of knowing the names might be a waste of time. You need to know a single basic thing about the important ones and even the ones of no count, like this president now being the son of his father, which is all you need to know about either. But learning the big list is not difficult though it does take you some time. Takes some people some more time than others. You need to group them, you see? First off you have the first five that is a lot of only what some people can remember. They would be Washington and Adams, Jefferson, Madison and Monroe. Getting that far is easy for anyone and brings you up quite a ways in American history because all but Adams of those five served two terms. Washington got started in 1789 and Monroe finished off the group in 1825. I’m talking the actual time each was president, you understand? Not the election that brought each one in as president. But if you know the first five by election dates that’s fine, too. It’s the same thing but less accurate. That’s how a lot of people do it, though, maybe because four can go into the election years, and five and 10 and 20 into a lot of them. But then you have your next two, the first being John Quincy Adams, who was the son of the first. Neither served a second term. Then there’s Jackson. Now Jackson is the first president after Washington that you really have to know. Washington was the first and Jackson the seventh. Seven presidents. Most people find seven anything easy to remember and Washington and Jackson served two terms like all the others except the Adams. They didn’t have any family luck in that matter. Then up to Lincoln in 1961 there’s not a lot you have to remember because you had a long stream of presidents who didn’t do much, just let the country grow and let things slide with the races and the Indians until things came to a head in 1961 with Lincoln and the Civil War. I always had a memory device like kids use to remember things like Roy G. Biv for the rainbow and it was, “Jack van Buren Hated to Poke Two Fine Pudd Butts.” You might not know what a pudd butt is, though. That is J for Jackson, van Buren for van Buren, then Harrison, Tyler, Polk, Taylor, Filmore, Pierce, Buchanan. You can use any other sentence. I don’t know why I settled on that one. I think it was just the first I thought up. Then you have Lincoln. Lincoln was killed in office and in terms of the small things you need to know that he was killed in his second term so that strictly speaking he was a two term president, only he died in his second, like McKinley. But Lincoln then Johnson, just like Kennedy then Johnson, who was his VP. Both shot, both Johnsons. Then you had Grant and Hayes and you should be able to remember that last one easily enough. Now in terms of numbers you have Washington 1 and Jackson 7 and Lincoln 16. After Hayes you have the GACHC group of Garfield, who died in office, shot, and then Arthur Cleveland Harrison and Cleveland again. Did you see the movie Unforgiven? We watched it at the old home about 10 years ago. You did? Then you can remember Garfield as the president who was shot, who English Bob was making fun of on the train. You remember that? I can remember just about everything there ever was in a Clint Eastwood movie. And of course you want to remember that Cleveland was president twice. Now for the next five it should be easy for you. Your name is Txxxxx W. Hxxxxxx. If you add mister to the beginning then you have M and R for mister and TWH for your name, and the presidents you want to know are McKinley, Roosevelt for “r”, Taft and Wilson and Harding. All the rest I remember very well because I remember when they were president so I don’t have any trouble with them but I reckon for you that might not be the case. If you want to go up just to WWII and until you were born then I can’t help you much in a way to remember them. Just that there was Harding and Coolidge and Hoover. Harding died in office as did every president who was elected in a year that ended in a zero all the way up to Reagan, who just got shot but didn’t die. That would be Harrison in 1840 and 20 years later Lincoln, then Garfield in 1880, McKinley after him, then Wilson and Roosevelt and up to Kennedy. So, Harding died and then Coolidge was Silent Cal who let things be and the depression hit hard just after Hoover was president, so people tended to blame him. After Hoover you have 12 years of Roosevelt and World War II, then he died and Truman dropped the bomb and like I say after that since I lived through it I never put together any way to think of remembering them because I didn’t have to.
There is only one thing that you need to know about the presidents of this country and that is all of them. You need to know all of them if what you want is to impress people and make them think you know more history than maybe you do and you don’t need to know much more than their names, though if don’t know that Washington was a general and that Lincoln freed the slaves then the rest of knowing the names might be a waste of time. You need to know a single basic thing about the important ones and even the ones of no count, like this president now being the son of his father, which is all you need to know about either. But learning the big list is not difficult though it does take you some time. Takes some people some more time than others. You need to group them, you see? First off you have the first five that is a lot of only what some people can remember. They would be Washington and Adams, Jefferson, Madison and Monroe. Getting that far is easy for anyone and brings you up quite a ways in American history because all but Adams of those five served two terms. Washington got started in 1789 and Monroe finished off the group in 1825. I’m talking the actual time each was president, you understand? Not the election that brought each one in as president. But if you know the first five by election dates that’s fine, too. It’s the same thing but less accurate. That’s how a lot of people do it, though, maybe because four can go into the election years, and five and 10 and 20 into a lot of them. But then you have your next two, the first being John Quincy Adams, who was the son of the first. Neither served a second term. Then there’s Jackson. Now Jackson is the first president after Washington that you really have to know. Washington was the first and Jackson the seventh. Seven presidents. Most people find seven anything easy to remember and Washington and Jackson served two terms like all the others except the Adams. They didn’t have any family luck in that matter. Then up to Lincoln in 1961 there’s not a lot you have to remember because you had a long stream of presidents who didn’t do much, just let the country grow and let things slide with the races and the Indians until things came to a head in 1961 with Lincoln and the Civil War. I always had a memory device like kids use to remember things like Roy G. Biv for the rainbow and it was, “Jack van Buren Hated to Poke Two Fine Pudd Butts.” You might not know what a pudd butt is, though. That is J for Jackson, van Buren for van Buren, then Harrison, Tyler, Polk, Taylor, Filmore, Pierce, Buchanan. You can use any other sentence. I don’t know why I settled on that one. I think it was just the first I thought up. Then you have Lincoln. Lincoln was killed in office and in terms of the small things you need to know that he was killed in his second term so that strictly speaking he was a two term president, only he died in his second, like McKinley. But Lincoln then Johnson, just like Kennedy then Johnson, who was his VP. Both shot, both Johnsons. Then you had Grant and Hayes and you should be able to remember that last one easily enough. Now in terms of numbers you have Washington 1 and Jackson 7 and Lincoln 16. After Hayes you have the GACHC group of Garfield, who died in office, shot, and then Arthur Cleveland Harrison and Cleveland again. Did you see the movie Unforgiven? We watched it at the old home about 10 years ago. You did? Then you can remember Garfield as the president who was shot, who English Bob was making fun of on the train. You remember that? I can remember just about everything there ever was in a Clint Eastwood movie. And of course you want to remember that Cleveland was president twice. Now for the next five it should be easy for you. Your name is Txxxxx W. Hxxxxxx. If you add mister to the beginning then you have M and R for mister and TWH for your name, and the presidents you want to know are McKinley, Roosevelt for “r”, Taft and Wilson and Harding. All the rest I remember very well because I remember when they were president so I don’t have any trouble with them but I reckon for you that might not be the case. If you want to go up just to WWII and until you were born then I can’t help you much in a way to remember them. Just that there was Harding and Coolidge and Hoover. Harding died in office as did every president who was elected in a year that ended in a zero all the way up to Reagan, who just got shot but didn’t die. That would be Harrison in 1840 and 20 years later Lincoln, then Garfield in 1880, McKinley after him, then Wilson and Roosevelt and up to Kennedy. So, Harding died and then Coolidge was Silent Cal who let things be and the depression hit hard just after Hoover was president, so people tended to blame him. After Hoover you have 12 years of Roosevelt and World War II, then he died and Truman dropped the bomb and like I say after that since I lived through it I never put together any way to think of remembering them because I didn’t have to.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Cornered
The old man stood in the corner of the hospice room, his wife’s head raised in the bed before him, his daughters and son in chairs and on the bed and standing to wait to say goodbye to their mother. His wife talked in a loud thin voice asking not to sell the house and the man as he always had thought to himself that she talked too much and said, “Don’t hog the trough, Mary”but she talked and he looked at his shoes cramped into the corner where the wheels of the bed were tight against the hospice room wall. The son asked “Mother! Who is buried in the backyard?” as he took a picture again and more with the blinds closed against the sun for the light of day hurt her eyes, and the youngest daughter asked, “Who are the pets buried in the backyard?” She listed the names and the oldest daughter said “asshole” at mention of the old man’s favorite gray, shot by a neighbor now dead and the old man said, “Don’t talk like that, Mary Gene” and Mary Gene looked at the others and said, “I’ll talk anyway I like.” I guess you will, the man thought, and to his dogs run down in the road by a Model A when he was 12 years ago, that same year his father died and his mother whipping more often after that, once cornering him out in a piano box where he sat smoking tobacco cigarettes with his friend and once more and something about an outhouse. The middle daughter leaned hunched over the bed and he had fed his kids well, worked hard at that, and there would be hunched over enough in their lives, he knew, before the hunching slacked and there was just a bed to lie in. And little of that had much to do with food. He knew that, the door opening as everyone was talking and a hospice administrator asked when could the family meet for a meeting and the oldest said, “Tell them to go stuff it” and the son said, “Tell them to sit on a sharp nail” and the youngest said, “You are awful” and the old man saw in the escalation and remonstration the traits he had struggled with when there was time to struggle with the like that those traits were now of his own. Then the youngest said it was time to leave and everyone gathered behind the head of the bed, the old man, too, and the camera went to the nurse who fumbled the shutter and jumped each time the flash popped up to flash and pop and the old man wondered why the flash made no light the oldest saying, “I’m seeing things. Are you?” The youngest gathered up a leather bag and coat and kissed the old woman and said goodbye, the others waiting their turn and they lingered in the door way and left with side steps saying goodbye more. When they had left the door still open slowly shut and when it clicked the old woman lifted her hand and pointed a crooked finger at the door, the hand shivering at the door and the finger pointing at the corner where the man stood and he thought maybe now they could talk but the old woman let her hand down to the hospice blankets and turned her face to look at the bedside table and shut her eyes.
Stupid Chinese Sayings, with Commentary 7
Thunder and rain at night.
Growth comes with a shock.
Expression and duration
Appear in the first moment.
Growth comes with a shock.
Expression and duration
Appear in the first moment.
Hmmm.....sounds like somebody better take it easy.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Ira and the Orange Juice
At 4:00 a.m. Leigh came out of room where she was sitting the old woman and told Ira that the old woman wanted some orange juice. Ira said, "OK. But are you sure she's awake?" She's awake. "What is she doing awake at this hour? Is she OK?" She's OK. Leigh went back in the room and the door shut. Ira watched the door close and then looked at the rows of empty open doors on each side of the hallway. She pushed through the saloon doors to the cooking area and opened the refrigerator and reached in, then pulled back her hand and shut the door. She stood by the door for a minute and waited for the door to the old woman's room to open. When it didn't after several minutes she tip-toed to the door and pushed it open. There was no lock on the door. The room was lit by an antique clock lamp that advertised a beer that the old woman never liked her dead husband to drink and by the light Ira could see the shadowed angles in the old woman's face. The old woman was in bed and asleep and asleep in the lounge chair next to the table by the bed was Leigh. Ira waited in the doorway and watched the old lady and waited for Leigh to move but the old lady lay still and Leigh did not wake up. Ira shut the door. She checked the clock and looked at the empty doors again, all open, and stood with one hand on behind her on the counter of the cooking area. She leaned against the hand and watched the old woman's door.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Stupid Chinese Sayings, with Commentary 6
Wind in the cave:
Movement in stillness.
Power in silence.
OK. OK. But I'd rather know if Neanderthals could talk or not. It seems they may have been able to. Poor bastards. They missed all those sounds of silence. That S&G nonsense.
From The Wiki: The idea that Neanderthals lacked complex language was widespread, despite concerns about the accuracy of reconstructions of the Neanderthal vocal tract, until 1983, when a Neanderthal hyoid bone was found at the Kebara Cave in Israel. The hyoid is a small bone which connects the musculature of the tongue and the larynx, and by bracing these structures against each other, allows a wider range of tongue and laryngeal movements than would otherwise be possible. The presence of this bone implies that speech was anatomically possible.
The bone which was found is virtually identical to that of modern humans.
The morphology of the outer and middle ear of Neanderthal ancestors, Homo heidelbergensis, found in Spain, suggests they had an auditory sensitivity similar to modern humans and very different from chimpanzees. They were probably able to differentiate between many different sounds.
Neurological evidence for potential speech in neanderthalensis exists in the form of the hypoglossal canal. The canal of neanderthalensis is the same size or larger than in modern humans, which are significantly larger than the canal of australopithecines and modern chimpanzees. The canal carries the hypoglossal nerve, which controls the muscles of the tongue.
This indicates that neanderthalensis had vocal capabilities similar to modern humans. A research team from the University of California, Berkeley, led by David DeGusta, suggests that the size of the hypoglossal canal is not an indicator of speech. His team's research, which shows no correlation between canal size and speech potential, shows there are a number of extant non-human primates and fossilized australopithecines which have equal or larger hypoglossal canal.
Another anatomical difference between Neanderthals and Modern humans is their lack of a mental protuberance (the point at the tip of the chin). This may be relevant to speech as the mentalis muscle, one of the muscles which move the lower lip, is attached to the tip of the chin.
While some Neanderthal individuals do possess a mental protuberance, their chins never show the inverted T-shape of modern humans. In contrast, some Neanderthal individuals show inferior lateral mental tubercles (little bumps at the side of the chin).
A recent extraction of DNA from Neanderthal bones indicates that Neanderthals had the same version of the FOXP2 gene as modern humans. This gene is known to play a role in human language.
Steven Mithen (2006) proposes that the Neanderthals had an elaborate proto-linguistic system of communication which was more musical than modern human language, and which predated the separation of language and music into two separate modes of cognition.
Movement in stillness.
Power in silence.
OK. OK. But I'd rather know if Neanderthals could talk or not. It seems they may have been able to. Poor bastards. They missed all those sounds of silence. That S&G nonsense.
From The Wiki: The idea that Neanderthals lacked complex language was widespread, despite concerns about the accuracy of reconstructions of the Neanderthal vocal tract, until 1983, when a Neanderthal hyoid bone was found at the Kebara Cave in Israel. The hyoid is a small bone which connects the musculature of the tongue and the larynx, and by bracing these structures against each other, allows a wider range of tongue and laryngeal movements than would otherwise be possible. The presence of this bone implies that speech was anatomically possible.
The bone which was found is virtually identical to that of modern humans.
The morphology of the outer and middle ear of Neanderthal ancestors, Homo heidelbergensis, found in Spain, suggests they had an auditory sensitivity similar to modern humans and very different from chimpanzees. They were probably able to differentiate between many different sounds.
Neurological evidence for potential speech in neanderthalensis exists in the form of the hypoglossal canal. The canal of neanderthalensis is the same size or larger than in modern humans, which are significantly larger than the canal of australopithecines and modern chimpanzees. The canal carries the hypoglossal nerve, which controls the muscles of the tongue.
This indicates that neanderthalensis had vocal capabilities similar to modern humans. A research team from the University of California, Berkeley, led by David DeGusta, suggests that the size of the hypoglossal canal is not an indicator of speech. His team's research, which shows no correlation between canal size and speech potential, shows there are a number of extant non-human primates and fossilized australopithecines which have equal or larger hypoglossal canal.
Another anatomical difference between Neanderthals and Modern humans is their lack of a mental protuberance (the point at the tip of the chin). This may be relevant to speech as the mentalis muscle, one of the muscles which move the lower lip, is attached to the tip of the chin.
While some Neanderthal individuals do possess a mental protuberance, their chins never show the inverted T-shape of modern humans. In contrast, some Neanderthal individuals show inferior lateral mental tubercles (little bumps at the side of the chin).
A recent extraction of DNA from Neanderthal bones indicates that Neanderthals had the same version of the FOXP2 gene as modern humans. This gene is known to play a role in human language.
Steven Mithen (2006) proposes that the Neanderthals had an elaborate proto-linguistic system of communication which was more musical than modern human language, and which predated the separation of language and music into two separate modes of cognition.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Stupid Chinese Sayings, with Commentary 5
Moon above water.
Sit in solitude.
Moon in water.
Big fucking splash.
Loud noise loose bowels.
Sit in shitty spray.
Sit in solitude.
Moon in water.
Big fucking splash.
Loud noise loose bowels.
Sit in shitty spray.
Stupid Chinese Sayings, with Commentary 4
Make the crooked sraight,
Make the straight to flow.
Gather water, fire and light.
Bring the world to a single point.
Or not.
Make the straight to flow.
Gather water, fire and light.
Bring the world to a single point.
Or not.
Stupid Chinese Sayings, with Commentary 3
Washing at dawn:
Rinse away dreams.
Protect the gods within,
And clarify the inner spirit.
Don't forget to rinse and repeat!
Rinse away dreams.
Protect the gods within,
And clarify the inner spirit.
Don't forget to rinse and repeat!
Stupid Chinese Sayings, with Commentary 2
This is the moment of embarking.
All auspicious signs are in place.
Then you fall on your ass.
All auspicious signs are in place.
Then you fall on your ass.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Stupid Chinese Sayings and Commentary 1
Wind in the cave;
Movement in stillness.
Power in silence.
So much snoring. I can’t tell Joey from Rumiko. When both fall silent, I rip a long fart in Alex’s face. He burrows closer to the bend in my knee.
Movement in stillness.
Power in silence.
So much snoring. I can’t tell Joey from Rumiko. When both fall silent, I rip a long fart in Alex’s face. He burrows closer to the bend in my knee.
At a conference
Ryan hadn’t seen Todd in two days and Laura had disappeared for nearly a week, ever since the last day of their interviews. Ryan spent the last full day in San Francisco by the pool, drinking beer and trying to beat his hangover he’d had since their second day in town, when he’d met up with his ex-girlfriend from the Peace Corps. Todd drank full-throttle with friends from Hawaii. Ryan took a taxi to the airport to catch their flight, assuming that Todd would find his own way. Laura showed up in a terrible state, coming down after two days of tripping on LSD. She nearly walked by Ryan in the boarding line, saw him and stumbled, then hung on to him while they waited to board. She and Ryan had exit row seats on the starboard side; Todd had seats two rows back but on the other side of the plane, a 747-400, a big one. Before take off the flight attendants checked that Ryan and Laura were comfortable “performing the duties” required of an exit row passenger. They nodded and JaLaura n fell asleep as soon as the attendant was gone. She slept all the way to Tokyo. Ten and a half hours, without a break. Ryan woke her up when they landed and asked if maybe she had anything with her, any drugs. She shook her head and staggered down the aisle of the plane but was steady and swagger-free going through customs and immigration.
A Mocha UCC blended coffee can
We keep our loose change in you and take you to the bank when you’ve done your job. We reach inside and lessen you when we want to buy beer, or machine popcorn, or top off a bill for a payment at the door. Watch out, or you’ll end up dented and outside, like your friends.
April 29, 2003
You were sunny, and we went iking near the house. We left at 9:34, hiked up high enough to see the house, then turned around. We stopped at a festival held at the car park at the base of the mountain and watched local people and Shinto priests fire walk over hot coals. After Rumiko had showered we went to Tsutaya to rend “Bad Company”. Rumiko bought books and we had lunch at McDonald’s. We both tried their new something-or-other burger. We had to ask what was on it because we couldn’t tell from the picture at the counter. We bought rods to hang outside the bedroom window, to hang futon from, and beer and cat food, too, at Musashi, and then came home. It was a windy day and the futon that Rumiko had hung up before we went hiking had blown down. We had curry for dinner, sat with the cat, watched most of the video, and went to bed around 10:00. I had disjointed dreams and woke up in a fright when the telephone started beeping, not ringing, but beeping after a heavy wind had slapped the curtain against the phone stand and knocked it over. I was sure my family was trying to call to say my father had died.
Going to Pieces
Pieces jumps on my keyboard and I say, “What you doing, pumpkin head?”, and she squeals five times in my face and rubs her cheek against the edge of the screen. She’s a silent movie. A lot came together and it’s doing fine. It’s pieces, for sure. Don’t you bite me! Quiet meow, small coughs.
For the Mizunashi
I’ll be old and lonely and sitting on a stump by the campground up past the second bridge, listening to you, wondering why rivers sound the same, hearing old friends, staring at old fires.
It never happened
We might as well have fucked
For all the people who thought we did.
Shows who your friends are, huh?
Care a little bit for you, and show it,
And suddenly my car is parked out front with the motor running and we’re inside fucking in your kitchen.
That’s what our friends would like to think, would like to have thought.
Nothing like it ever happened.
The closest was a morning I woke up early and stepped out on to the beach. We had coffee together, waiting for your other family to wake up. I did think about you then, more the situation than the fact. Coffee in the morning, on the beach, early, waiting for your husband and child to wake up.
For all the people who thought we did.
Shows who your friends are, huh?
Care a little bit for you, and show it,
And suddenly my car is parked out front with the motor running and we’re inside fucking in your kitchen.
That’s what our friends would like to think, would like to have thought.
Nothing like it ever happened.
The closest was a morning I woke up early and stepped out on to the beach. We had coffee together, waiting for your other family to wake up. I did think about you then, more the situation than the fact. Coffee in the morning, on the beach, early, waiting for your husband and child to wake up.
To a father-in-law
You were the first person I knew well who died. We heard you had cancer. We watched you get sick and die from it. You died in December, during the first snow of the season. I don’t know if there is life after death, but I think you still exist, that you’re still there. If I think you’re still there, then everyone, every living creature is still there, somehow. Thinking about your death has made me think that the next level of religion or spirituality has to embrace the entire world, the entire realm of all plants and all animals. But, in fact, I don’t think about your death much, as I don’t feel it. You fought for what you thought was right for your daughter, and after I married her you were a good and trusting and fun father-in-law. You were true to your word in every sense. One of these days I’ll miss you, but not yet. For me, you’re still in Irihirose, working in the garden, watching TV in your small room in the corner of the factory, presiding over the family, getting me drunk as a monkey.
To a dog of the deep south
I’m sorry I was cruel to you. Perhaps wasn’t, but that’s how I remember it. You were tiny and sensitive and so eager to please, and we had our share of running and playing, but a mean streak in me made me sometimes shout at you, bully you. You would cowl and try to make yourself small, but that didn’t stop me. I shouted more. I was frustrated and unhappy and you were small and couldn’t fight back, and you liked my father more than you like me, and I hated that, and I hated him, and so I hurt you with my shouting and my abuse. I’m sorry I encouraged my father to have you put to sleep. You had been sick for so long and seemed in so much pain. You tried so hard to do the things that you knew pleased us. On some days you could run a few steps and even chase a ball, and bark, but on other days a few steps and you’d fall down, kicking, unable to stand up. Your breath and your lick were fowl and nauseating, and you were eaten up with something, maybe cancer, and for days you wouldn’t get up. I really thought at the time that having you put to sleep was the best thing. My father couldn’t make the decision so I helped make it for him. You woke up the morning of the day we killed you, and we knew it was your last morning. You didn’t know that. You couldn’t know that. I’m sorry we did that to you. I’ve never shed a tear, and suggesting that we put you to sleep was, in a way, getting back at my father. You were a great dog, and a kind creature, and I was bad to you. I was mean to you.
To Rento Yukiguni
A small place, two six-tatami mat rooms, a kitchen, a tiny toilet, a small bath. My first place in Urasa. The kind of place where you say, “Well, you really have done a lot with this place!”, and then laugh. A view of the mountains to the east, a side view toward the south, a screened window over the kitchen sink, a small window west. There were women sometimes and lots of beer, and many phone calls from Marc, to talk about work, mostly. Rumiko moved in and brought her things, a huge chest of drawers, a Sony 19-inch Trinitron, and bookshelves. We moved out after I’d been there for nine years. I missed racing to school from you, missed the jogs around the rice fields near you, missed walking into old Urasa for groceries. You’re still there, but the area has changed, with needless construction of a new bridge, a bypass, a winery, an empty museum, less green and much more grey of concrete. But, I’m getting away from you now. I did that once before. I don’t want to do it again.
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